Posts
Being More Fully Engaged, Part 2 of 3
Click here for Part 1.
Stuff happens all the time in life. Everyday, every moment we face different situations where some action, behavior or conflict occurs in our relating to another person or the world. The ‘natural life experience’ begins at the instant we have a feeling (mad, sad, glad, afraid or ashamed). Our feelings tell us whether our needs are being met (glad) or not being met (sad, mad, afraid, or ashamed).
If we do not fully feel that feeling in the moment it arises, we may interrupt or distort the natural life experience pathway to seeing and recognizing what we need. This is also what happens when a person uses drugs or alcohol. In recovery, a term commonly used to describe this alteration of feelings is called medicating our feelings. Any thing I do to interrupt my feelings, disrupts the entire natural life experience process!
If we can agree on the importance of feelings in our natural life process, we can develop a much broader definition of addiction to include using people, places and things to change the way we feel. Let’s distinguish between the healthy experience of people, places, and things, which includes having feelings rather that using these to change feelings.
Natural life experience involves having the full spectrum of feelings around people, places and things and then, as previously mentioned, also connecting with needs and actions to take care of our selves and getting our needs met in healthy ways. Addictive changing of feelings switches off the full life experience and substitutes a shortcut to artificially induced happy or euphoric feelings. Addictive choices create simulated need satisfaction that gives the illusion that no action or choices are needed to move through an event in a constructive way.
This alternative, artificial life experience looks like encountering a life event and instead of dealing with it through the more lengthy, sometimes difficult life experience, we take a short cut to need satisfaction via using. In this scenario we do not learn, heal or grow emotionally and spiritually. This pathway then loops back on itself often establishing a repeating pattern of artificial life experience. This is a pattern typical in addiction.
An important feature that distinguishes having feelings from changing feelings is how this behavior is working in our lives. Typically changing feelings results in negative life consequences or recurring destructive patterns. Having feelings and engaging more fully in the natural life experiences of our lives helps us to grow and mature physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually all at the same time. We find ourselves enjoying the fruits of this life labor: more love, serenity, peace, contentedness, balance and wholeness.
To be continued...
Monday, May 10, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Letter to the Editor Published
Stephan's letter to the editor was published Sunday, April 18. Click here to read it!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Letter to the Editor
*This letter was submitted to The Commercial Appeal on Friday, April 9. We'll update the blog if it is published.
As a great-grandson of E.H. Crump and a Memphian, I want to thank Pam and Rob Cooper and all the people who helped them create their new documentary, Citizens Not Subjects. On one hand it acknowledges the often celebrated achievement of Mr. Crump and his supporters as they brought about the incredible transformation of Memphis from a stunted, corrupt and often violent river town into a true modern city whose sense of community still survives and serves us today.
This powerful piece of historical film work goes on to tell what until now has been the untold story of the dark side of the Crump Machine and its 50 year domination of Memphis politics. The main theme of this labor of love for our city then reveals the fascinating, uncelebrated story of Edward Meeman, Lucius Burch and Edmund Orgill and the role their courage, intelligence, energy and integrity had in creating the progressive movement that stubbornly resisted and eventually unseated what had become a dysfunctional Crump machine more intent on preserving its own power and influence than serving the best interests of the City.
As the intention and Greek legend behind the name of Rob and Pam’s company, Verissima Productions, implies, we as people, families and communities cannot be whole, healed and healthy without the entire “truth, vitality and essence of the story” especially when it is our own. I personally encourage all the folks who loved these fine people and our city to watch this essential piece of our Memphis story when it airs Thursday, April 22, at 9pm on WKNO.
Stephan McLaughlin
As a great-grandson of E.H. Crump and a Memphian, I want to thank Pam and Rob Cooper and all the people who helped them create their new documentary, Citizens Not Subjects. On one hand it acknowledges the often celebrated achievement of Mr. Crump and his supporters as they brought about the incredible transformation of Memphis from a stunted, corrupt and often violent river town into a true modern city whose sense of community still survives and serves us today.
This powerful piece of historical film work goes on to tell what until now has been the untold story of the dark side of the Crump Machine and its 50 year domination of Memphis politics. The main theme of this labor of love for our city then reveals the fascinating, uncelebrated story of Edward Meeman, Lucius Burch and Edmund Orgill and the role their courage, intelligence, energy and integrity had in creating the progressive movement that stubbornly resisted and eventually unseated what had become a dysfunctional Crump machine more intent on preserving its own power and influence than serving the best interests of the City.
As the intention and Greek legend behind the name of Rob and Pam’s company, Verissima Productions, implies, we as people, families and communities cannot be whole, healed and healthy without the entire “truth, vitality and essence of the story” especially when it is our own. I personally encourage all the folks who loved these fine people and our city to watch this essential piece of our Memphis story when it airs Thursday, April 22, at 9pm on WKNO.
Stephan McLaughlin
April Reflections
Being More Fully Engaged, Part 1 of 3
For me, healthy relationship looks like being more fully engaged in my own life and my experience of it. This is relative to being less engaged in what is going on in my life. I am not trying to set myself up as a standard, only to speak from my own experience, which has ranged widely between more or less engaged over 56 years of my lifetime.
According to this way of looking at relationship, my days of more addictive and obsessive behaviors would reflect my being less engaged and less healthy, while my more sober life of the last 20 years are what I would call my more engaged years. Hopefully, this latter part of my life is the one in which I am connecting to myself and others in more healthy ways. In 12 Step terms, this life practice is about ‘progress not perfection.’ I trust that any progress in my life toward more healthy has come from more spiritual based sober living and Recovery.
From these perspectives I see that not being fully engaged in my life is not healthy or sober. The specific way I was not connected for years, perhaps my entire adolescence and young adulthood, is that I became disconnected from my feelings. Feelings are an essential part of what I call my natural life experience in which I feel my feelings which then help me to understand and connect with my deeper needs, and with that information I can seek more healthy, constructive ways of taking care of myself and my own needs.
Healthy relationship with myself depends on my ability to be aware and present enough to feel my feelings, identify my needs and take care of myself! Taking better care of myself, in turn, promotes my own wellbeing, independence, and wholeness, which is a great place for me to attempt to connect with others in more healthy ways.
To be continued...
For me, healthy relationship looks like being more fully engaged in my own life and my experience of it. This is relative to being less engaged in what is going on in my life. I am not trying to set myself up as a standard, only to speak from my own experience, which has ranged widely between more or less engaged over 56 years of my lifetime.
According to this way of looking at relationship, my days of more addictive and obsessive behaviors would reflect my being less engaged and less healthy, while my more sober life of the last 20 years are what I would call my more engaged years. Hopefully, this latter part of my life is the one in which I am connecting to myself and others in more healthy ways. In 12 Step terms, this life practice is about ‘progress not perfection.’ I trust that any progress in my life toward more healthy has come from more spiritual based sober living and Recovery.
From these perspectives I see that not being fully engaged in my life is not healthy or sober. The specific way I was not connected for years, perhaps my entire adolescence and young adulthood, is that I became disconnected from my feelings. Feelings are an essential part of what I call my natural life experience in which I feel my feelings which then help me to understand and connect with my deeper needs, and with that information I can seek more healthy, constructive ways of taking care of myself and my own needs.
Healthy relationship with myself depends on my ability to be aware and present enough to feel my feelings, identify my needs and take care of myself! Taking better care of myself, in turn, promotes my own wellbeing, independence, and wholeness, which is a great place for me to attempt to connect with others in more healthy ways.
To be continued...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
March Reflections
Recovery: Resentment
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that resentments are one of the biggest causes of alcoholism. Resentments can be toxic to our relationships with others and also to our relationship with oursleves. There is a powerful saying in the rooms (of AA) that "holding a resentment is like drinking poison ourselves while hoping the other person is going to die!"
So what is a resentment? There are many definitions and my belief is that they show up in people's lives in very unique ways. Simply stated, for me, a resentment is holding onto anger around being hurt! In healthy relationship terms, a resentment develops out of my perception of being hurt by someone or something. On a basic level I get hurt or perceive I am hurt, and I then experience feelings of anger, shame and/or fear. For some reason, usually because I become defensive, destructive or distant, the experience does not get resolved in a healthy way.
Instead of fully experiencing my feelings in the moment in a safe way, connecting with my needs and getting them met, the interaction is interrupted. I then assume, adopt or create beliefs about this hurt, the person or thing. I use these to hold onto or maintain the emotional energy and pain that is arising from the hurt, which, in my thinking, is probably an unmet need.
Then, sometimes over a very long period of time, I hold the resentment and do not make the healthy choices I could to resolve or heal it. Instead, I focus on the person and their behavior as an ongoing justification for holding on to or even strengthening the resentment. This part of my process appears to be very similar to the myth building phase of the 'cycle of violence.' Through rationalizations or distorted thinking which may or may not be accurate, I would weave a story about why they were bad for what happened, and why I was justified in my holding on to my position of woundedness.
Fortunately, I have been able to move through many of my resentments although, honestly, I can't say I am completely resentment free. And I have to admit I do not really know how I moved through the ones I have had over the years, and I have had some doozies. What I think has been the source of almost all my breakthroughs, forgiveness and reconciliations is the work of a power greater than myself, some form of Grace. For me this Amazing Grace is God. For you it might be something else. Whatever it is is, I cannot necessarily explain it nor do I have to explain or even understand it. I just know it is real, and that I am completely powerless over it.
Whether it is in recovery or relationship, resentments and dealing with them is part of the challenge we face as we move from fear to love and for some of us from insanity to serenity.
Peace In,
Stephan
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that resentments are one of the biggest causes of alcoholism. Resentments can be toxic to our relationships with others and also to our relationship with oursleves. There is a powerful saying in the rooms (of AA) that "holding a resentment is like drinking poison ourselves while hoping the other person is going to die!"
So what is a resentment? There are many definitions and my belief is that they show up in people's lives in very unique ways. Simply stated, for me, a resentment is holding onto anger around being hurt! In healthy relationship terms, a resentment develops out of my perception of being hurt by someone or something. On a basic level I get hurt or perceive I am hurt, and I then experience feelings of anger, shame and/or fear. For some reason, usually because I become defensive, destructive or distant, the experience does not get resolved in a healthy way.
Instead of fully experiencing my feelings in the moment in a safe way, connecting with my needs and getting them met, the interaction is interrupted. I then assume, adopt or create beliefs about this hurt, the person or thing. I use these to hold onto or maintain the emotional energy and pain that is arising from the hurt, which, in my thinking, is probably an unmet need.
Then, sometimes over a very long period of time, I hold the resentment and do not make the healthy choices I could to resolve or heal it. Instead, I focus on the person and their behavior as an ongoing justification for holding on to or even strengthening the resentment. This part of my process appears to be very similar to the myth building phase of the 'cycle of violence.' Through rationalizations or distorted thinking which may or may not be accurate, I would weave a story about why they were bad for what happened, and why I was justified in my holding on to my position of woundedness.
Fortunately, I have been able to move through many of my resentments although, honestly, I can't say I am completely resentment free. And I have to admit I do not really know how I moved through the ones I have had over the years, and I have had some doozies. What I think has been the source of almost all my breakthroughs, forgiveness and reconciliations is the work of a power greater than myself, some form of Grace. For me this Amazing Grace is God. For you it might be something else. Whatever it is is, I cannot necessarily explain it nor do I have to explain or even understand it. I just know it is real, and that I am completely powerless over it.
Whether it is in recovery or relationship, resentments and dealing with them is part of the challenge we face as we move from fear to love and for some of us from insanity to serenity.
Peace In,
Stephan
Thursday, February 11, 2010
February Reflections
From the archives:
The Importance of Black History
A friend of mine asked me what I thought about an article he read that questioned the fairness and necessity of Black History Month. Do we really still need it? Why do we need a special history month for any group or part of our society? At some point will we have a Latino History Month?
My response has been sensitized with my newly acquired awareness around some of these ‘issues’ and ‘-isms.’ By doing personal growth work around my own white privilege and racism, I am more acutely aware than ever before of the painful and discriminatory imbalance in the way history has been taught in our country. Since the first black slaves were brought to America over 500 years ago, we have primarily had White History, All Year, Every Year in our schools, textbooks and courses.
In order to restore balance, America may need to embrace other nonwhite peoples’ history in special ways for decades. We will need a Black History Month and maybe a Latino History Month, too, until our American History books are more comprehensive and inclusive of the more ‘left out’ American’s history.
From my perspective, we need to go far enough to the side of giving special recognition to the previously ignored parts of our story, until a more balanced view is attained and maintained. In addition to telling and owning the terrible parts of these histories, we could also embrace the good parts. Non-white men and women of all colors have made huge contributions to our growth and development on many different levels. Giving these accomplishments more attention and celebration is part of the healing and growth necessary to progress beyond the past and toward beloved community. Considering the magnitude of the imbalance, we have barely begun to re-balance our culture and history.
Gratefully Seeking,
Stephan
The Importance of Black History
A friend of mine asked me what I thought about an article he read that questioned the fairness and necessity of Black History Month. Do we really still need it? Why do we need a special history month for any group or part of our society? At some point will we have a Latino History Month?
My response has been sensitized with my newly acquired awareness around some of these ‘issues’ and ‘-isms.’ By doing personal growth work around my own white privilege and racism, I am more acutely aware than ever before of the painful and discriminatory imbalance in the way history has been taught in our country. Since the first black slaves were brought to America over 500 years ago, we have primarily had White History, All Year, Every Year in our schools, textbooks and courses.
In order to restore balance, America may need to embrace other nonwhite peoples’ history in special ways for decades. We will need a Black History Month and maybe a Latino History Month, too, until our American History books are more comprehensive and inclusive of the more ‘left out’ American’s history.
From my perspective, we need to go far enough to the side of giving special recognition to the previously ignored parts of our story, until a more balanced view is attained and maintained. In addition to telling and owning the terrible parts of these histories, we could also embrace the good parts. Non-white men and women of all colors have made huge contributions to our growth and development on many different levels. Giving these accomplishments more attention and celebration is part of the healing and growth necessary to progress beyond the past and toward beloved community. Considering the magnitude of the imbalance, we have barely begun to re-balance our culture and history.
Gratefully Seeking,
Stephan
Thursday, January 14, 2010
January Reflections
“One year of unfolding Self is worth more than 50 years of conventional living.”
Don Jones from Wisdom for the Journey.
I love this way of looking at Self-development as an “unfolding,” a gradual, intentional opening, healing and growing of a Self, one layer at a time until more is revealed. What a wonderful way to begin my new year. No resolutions or promises to break and fall, just an intention to explore and seek a deeper understanding of some essential questions like Who am I?, Why do I do what do?, What do I need to be whole and happy?, What are my gifts, and How can I can contribute to the relationships in my life?
A great book I came across this last year to support my own “unfolding” is Believing in Myself: Daily Meditations for Healing and Building Self-Esteem. There is an emphasis on Recovery and each day contains a little nugget which is very useful whether recovering from an addiction or just the toughness of the lives we are living. This book is written by Ernie Larson and his sister Carol Hegarty, both renowned authors who write about recovery and healing.
My intention this year is to explore more of what unfolding means for me and I hope to share some of that with you. Bless you and your New Year intentions and plans.
Gratefully Unfolding My Self,
Stephan
Don Jones from Wisdom for the Journey.
I love this way of looking at Self-development as an “unfolding,” a gradual, intentional opening, healing and growing of a Self, one layer at a time until more is revealed. What a wonderful way to begin my new year. No resolutions or promises to break and fall, just an intention to explore and seek a deeper understanding of some essential questions like Who am I?, Why do I do what do?, What do I need to be whole and happy?, What are my gifts, and How can I can contribute to the relationships in my life?
A great book I came across this last year to support my own “unfolding” is Believing in Myself: Daily Meditations for Healing and Building Self-Esteem. There is an emphasis on Recovery and each day contains a little nugget which is very useful whether recovering from an addiction or just the toughness of the lives we are living. This book is written by Ernie Larson and his sister Carol Hegarty, both renowned authors who write about recovery and healing.
My intention this year is to explore more of what unfolding means for me and I hope to share some of that with you. Bless you and your New Year intentions and plans.
Gratefully Unfolding My Self,
Stephan
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)