December Reflections

The Power of the Circle

When I first started doing HEAL work back in 1991, I had no idea what it really meant to be in ‘healthy relationship.’ How was my newfound passion for healthy relationship work supposed to look in action? What I thought I was being called to do was to identify and to write about specific information people could use to interact in more healthy ways with themselves and each other.

What I was to discover is that there are an incredible number of ways to actually create and be in healthy relationship. One of these ways is to connect with other people in a group relationship experience commonly referred to as ‘small circles.’ These simple human gatherings have been around since the creation of campfires. Here is a little of my experience with one of these life rafts of healthy relating and spiritual connection which I found right around the corner from my house. Small circles are available to all of us in some form, and all one has to do is show up.

Before getting involved in small circles, my attempts to be a loving, caring human had been characterized by many choices and behaviors that were not healthy. I knew this because my choices were not creating the relationships I desired and deserved with the people I cared the most about in my life.

One of the most important and powerful new choices I made that really began to change my life and relationships was to begin showing up and participating in small circles. These circles were gatherings of people who wanted to get to know themselves and each other more deeply. The willing showed up because we wanted to go beneath the surface and begin to see our own inner workings and to witness the workings of others. The reluctant showed up because we had to or because we had no other ideas or options on how to deal with the challenges in our lives.

At first this activity was a little scary and seemed odd and uncomfortable. The fact is I was so tired of my problems and struggles with my family and life at that time, that I had reached a point of willingness to change and be open. I sat down, stayed put and kept coming back, even when I did not think I was getting much from the experience.

Fortunately, I rarely left a circle empty handed. Little gifts continually popped up when I listened to other people’s stories. Though they were never directly designated for me, it was like these gifts were meant just for me. These little gifts led to my progress and fostered my desire to return.

Slowly but surely, I began to experience the healing power of sharing my own story and of listening to others share. I found that there is a spiritual healing energy in the sharing, especially when we honor the humanity and competency of each person in the circle without trying to heal, fix, change or convert each other. I learned that both sharing and listening increased my own healing and sense of release and in the process helped me attain more serenity in my daily life. As I grew more comfortable with being in a circle and started to trust the inherent goodness of those present, I welcomed with relief and gratitude the knowledge that never again would I have to deal with my problems and challenges alone.

Eventually, I went to many different kinds of small circles. Initially, there were 12 step meetings, then workshops, group therapy sessions, and on to men’s groups and grief circles just to name a few.

Small circles is one of the main processes that HEAL intends to encourage and support. I look forward to sharing my experiences and insights into this uniquely transforming way for us to connect and grow in healthy relationship.

Here is a wonderful reading from an Al Anon book, The Courage to Change, that really captures for me the significance and possibilities I realized when I joined the circle.

I used to live my life as if I were on a ladder. Everyone was either above me--to be feared and envied--or below me--to be pitied. God was way, way at the top, beyond my view. That was a hard, lonely way to live because no two people can stand comfortably on the same rung for very long.

When I came to Al-Anon, I found a lot of people who had decided to climb down their ladders into the circle of fellowship. In the circle we were all on equal terms, and God was right in the center, easily accessible. When newcomers arrived we didn't worry about rearranging everyone's position, we simply widened the circle.

Today I no longer look up to some people and down on others. I can look each person in the eye, squarely and honestly. Today, being humble means climbing down the ladder of judgment of myself and others, and taking my rightful place in a worldwide circle of love and support.
From page 33 of Courage to Change

Have a blessing filled Holiday,

Stephan

November Reflections

Most of us, especially those of us here in Memphis, are not surprised to hear that one of the most powerful ways people come together in harmonious connection is through music. There are numerous, wonderful examples of local and regional music festivals like Memphis in May and the New Orleans Jazz Fest that bring people, who may not be in close relationship in everyday life, together into more unified community. Then there are also the historic, larger venues of music from to Woodstock to Farm Aid where people have come together to make and listen to music for some greater good.

In each of these gatherings large numbers of people of various backgrounds and cultures come together in ways that celebrate our common connections while transcending our differences. Each time we witness and experience these vibrations, most of us have been able to go way beyond the cultural boundaries and definitions of groups, communities and even nations. Music is a powerful tool for creating harmonious and healthy relationships and community.

The other night on Bill Moyer’s Journal there was a great story of a young man named Mark Johnson who has helped tap the transformative ability of music to create harmony among different people all around the globe. Mark, a long time music and film producer, traveled around the world capturing unique sounds from a rainbow of musicians and groups. He then seamlessly and brilliantly edited them together to create ‘world music’ the unites us changing our world for good!

Check out his Playing for Change: Peace through Music segment on Bill Moyers and follow the links to his website and work. Hope this puts a smile on your face as big as the one on mine.

Take care, have a blessed month.

Seeking Harmony,
Stephan

Gandhi-King photos

We didn't take as many as we would have liked, but we do have a few photos from the Gandhi-King Conference last month.

Gandhi-King Conference 2008

My Multicultural Amends by Stephan McLaughlin

Recently, at the dinner table with friends, we were talking about our kids. One shared story was about a young boy in the first or second grade who showed up to a ‘wear what you want day’ at school in a dress. The school confronted the parents and indicated that the boy needed help and if this was not addressed they would have to find another school for him. From what I could see the people in the group were sad and in disagreement with the school’s position on this event.


The conversation moved on though and at another point we were discussing our own kids, a boy and a girl, and their attraction to each other. The other Mom was expounding on her sons high level of interest in girls as he moved into adolescence, and in particular, their son’s interest in our daughter.


I made the comment that they were lucky to know that their son was attracted to girls.


Oooouuuccchhhhhh!!


The ouch, for those of you who like me are heterosexual and enjoy a level of privilege or insulation from the experiences of our homosexual brothers and sisters, might look like this from their perspective...


They could have heard me say or imply...


"Aren’t you lucky he is-

-normal...

-not attracted to other boys...

-not gay...

-that he might not be gay...

-won’t be gay when he grows up..."


I truthfully don’t believe I intended any insult or hurt, because I know in my heart I have released my old judgments about ‘gayness’ and people who are gay. In fact, I am blessed with many dear friends and associates who are gay.

After several years of multicultural training, processing and healing, I have become much more aware of comments or language which impact me in ways that bring up my ouches. And although it is not easy to own and admit, I am now more aware when I say or do something that would have a harmful impact on another, even if they are not present.

In any case there is no way my comment reflected what I was really trying to say. In the moment at the table I acknowledged and withdrew my remark as an ouch and unconsciously prejudiced. I then stated that it was wonderful that he growing up and becoming a young man.

The next morning I woke up with an even deeper realization of the ouch in my original words and that and there was so much more I could have said, that I want to say, about young people growing up and blossoming into their adult selves in all ways, physically, including their sexuality as God, as each of us understands God, creates them who they are.

What I want to say now, in no uncertain terms, is that this boy, these kids are precious and totally acceptable to me now in their childhood innocence. As I witness their blossoming, even when they falter or make mistakes, I feel joy, awe, and a sense of deep connection to them and to other people and the history that is my life.

Based on my understanding of life in this moment, their sexual nature is not a mistake or faltering. Just as we all have the masculine and feminine together in us in various intensities, these children are who they are.

My job is not to decide or judge that one way of developing is better than another, my role as parent, friend and human is to celebrate these precious children wherever they are in their blooming and development.

August Reflections

Thanks to the heat, I have definitely been in the summer doldrums. After the spring madness of Community Building, Common Ground, and White Privilege, I have had a difficult time bringing up energy for anything other than the work I have had to do to earn a living and playing with the kids over summer vacation. Hope all of you have been able to remain relatively cool and have taken some time to enjoy the wonders of summer on your vacations or with your little ones.

Despite the slowdown, HEAL continues to be involved in some activities which you may find of interest, including the some multicultural and restorative justice happenings in July.

Multi-Cultural Gathering in St Louis
Over the past several years the Mankind Project, an international men’s group, has been attempting to create a safer, more inclusive community for its own members and with other nonmember groups and individuals. This goal has been pursued by adopting an initiative to increase our individual and group awareness of our many differences like gender, skin color, economic position, education, and even age, just to name a few. We have looked at how these differences result in unearned privilege for some and a loss of power for others based on the difference, resulting in some form of an ‘ism’, like racism or sexism.

An important development of this initiative has been the formation of a Multi-Cultural Council and an annual gathering of a small, diverse group of Council participants who have been willing to meet once a year to do personal and institutional work around a variety of ‘issues and isms.’ This year people who represent various MKP, WW and other communities came together in St. Louis to do this work. Here is a small sample of what happened this year’s gathering.

This year’s Keynote was Bruce A. Jacobs, author of Race Manners for the 21st Century. A recent graduate of the MKP New Warrior Training Adventure, Bruce’s passion and mission brought his book and work to life. From his perspective as a well educated black man, with a middle class American upbringing, he succinctly outlined much of what he believes is at the core of current racism and many of the choices available to individuals and communities for positive change.

In addition, to specific ideas for dealing and healing racism, he reminded us to keep the struggle in historical perspective. The damage from slavery and the practice of racism in America has happened over 400 years. We are only beginning to honestly and sincerely figure out how we can come to terms with these past and present realities. Actually moving away from the old and embracing a new, more authentic society of equality and celebration is a slow, difficult process. There is a paradox. Injustice cannot be undone fast enough while healing and healthy relationship building are processes which require time and patience. As activists we may be called to do both at the same time.

One of the goals of each gathering is to offer the representatives from the various MKP, WW and public communities some information and training that strengthens their connections as representatives to each other and can also be brought back to our communities. The Saturday session this year was a Marshall Rosenberg based, nonviolent communication workshop called Connecting Across Differences: Speaking Peace With Compassionate Communication presented by Jeff Brown and Rhonda Mills, two excellent local trainers.

Time limited the presentation to a brief intro during which Jeff and Wendy modeled and played out this very different way of sharing information about our feelings and needs with each other. Noticeably absent from the exchanges was any judgments about each other, which is an intentional part of the NVC process because our ‘thinking’ judgments are believed to separate and distract us from what is trying to be communicated.

There were many similarities between this Nonviolent Communication Process (NVC) and the tools and techniques we use in MKP to do clearings and to deal with conflict. This method, although difficult and challenging to learn and use, does offer a desirable alternative to our old ways of communicating. What many of us consider communicating, especially during a conflict, can be more readily seen as subtle and frequently not so subtle attempts to fix, change, convince, or in some other way dominate others into accepting our own causes, needs or perspectives.

Learning and practicing more compassionate and mindful processes that do not continue or maintain the wounding or inequities of a particular ‘ism’ is at the core of multi-cultural healing and progress. These techniques and skills are also reflected in our MKP, WW, Community Building, AA, Al Anon, Restorative Justice, and Healthy Relationship ways and circle processes. The healing and spirituality that happens in these circles is a direct result of communicating in more conscious ways that creates the safety and trust needed to bring people together and to help them engage at more empathetic levels needed for deeper, more lasting healing.

This year’s conference also provided all in attendance a chance to witness the culmination of many years of evolution and work by the women of Woman Within to create their own multicultural initiative and reconnect with the MKP Multi-cultural group through a new, even more common ground called the Community House. The significance of this was not only the progress they have made personally and institutionally, but they can now choose to come to the multi-cultural table as full equals in contrast to their previous status as invitees of the men.

Multicultural work, like healthy relationship work, depends on real equality and that means different people coming together to do the work out of their own volition and in their own integrity. This is different from a connection created when one group invites the other, especially if it is the non-target group (the one with the privilege and power) inviting target groups (the one without the same power and privilege) to a meeting.


Imagining and striving to create safe, connected communities is a dream many of us share. One of the reasons I go to sit in circles, go to conferences and attend these gatherings is because I need to live today in more mindful, intentional communities. That’s why I will be back next year too.

Restorative Justice
As part of an effort to bring a Restorative Justice (RJ) philosophy, process, and practice to the Department of Child Services (DCS) for the State of Tennessee, Jean Handley of Turning Point Partners, Cori and I have been doing support circles for the staff and students with at the Wilder Development Center in Somerville, TN. We have also been working with Jean to help Onie Johns bring a RJ process to Caritas, an intentional community with a center, the Village, located in the Binghampton area of Memphis.

For me restoration is not only a justice issue but a relationship one. Healing our relationships is about returning or regaining our wholeness and integrity as individuals, partners and groups. Likewise, restorative justice is about returning individuals and groups to a state of wholeness and completeness.

Our past hurtful experiences with the world and people can diminish us with their less than loving and nurturing experiences causing us to be wounded and hurt and to experience various kinds of loss. This is especially true of behavior that breaks the law and results in some form of harm to people or property.

Rather than further the loss of relationships because of harm, abuse and violence, by separating and vilifying the offender, RJ attempts to ultimately recover the relationships that have been damaged or lost as a result of the harm. In many cases the RJ process offers the offender a way to understand the negative impact of their choices and to actually meet with those individuals directly and indirectly affected, in a way that acknowledges the harm and explores ways to make an amends or restorative action.

These choices include listening to those impacted, apologizing and developing specific make ups that address the consequences of the harm constructively. There are many options for relating to each other in healthy ways that can serve as a process of restoration healing old wounds and nurturing our relationships back into states of wholeness and integrity.

The process for reducing or reversing this damage and harm attempts to restore us to the more whole and healthy beings and communities we were before the harm occurred. This may sound like an oversimplification, perhaps it is. For me, it seems to be what is happening on a very simple basic level. Seeing and understanding that restoration is the recovery and healing of relationships helps me transcend the drama, pain and confusion of many experiences I have had and get right to the heart, literally, of what is going on.

Right now these instances of restoration are the exception rather than the rule. Given time and ‘catching’ young offenders earlier in the process, the hope of RJ is that more and more restoration can occur, earlier in the life cycle of harm and abuse, and that this will reduce the overall amount of problems and ultimately more serious crime. RJ work in some places has dramatically reduced repeat offenses by people released and may prove an even more powerful preventative tool.

There are reasons for the amount of harm, violence, crime and incarceration occurring in the US. The current prison population, 2 million people, is a sure indicator that something is wrong with the system. If it is an indication the system is working as it is supposed to work, then we need a new system.

The real question to us as a society is do we want to rationalize crime and our current expensive programs for dealing with it, or do we really want to know the ‘why’ what is going down and the ‘what’ it is going to take to create real, positive change. With that information we can formulate better, more effective strategies and programs for dealing with this growing challenge. We know what we are doing currently is not working or is working in a way that reinforces the problem with its current trends and inequities. Restorative Justice philosophy and practice offers a new alternative for real change.

Gratefully Seeking Harmony,
Stephan

Intro to White Privilege

HEAL was a cosponsor of the events around the Intro to White Privilege last month. Here are a few photos from one of the sessions.

Click here for more information on the The White Privilege Conference and click here for founder Eddie Moore, Jr.'s website.

Intro to White Privilege 6/21/08

Updates from June

Let me begin by acknowledging Sharaze and her diligent, thoughtful work on the monthly newsletter. Her leadership and creativity have been a wonderful act of service to our Community. Her efforts and collaboration on the book and all aspects of our work at HEAL are a source of joy, amazement and essential support for which I am truly grateful and that inspire me to daily.
Thank You, Sharaze!


In order to continue to enhance our offerings, it is my intention to begin to do some reporting and writing on various people, issues and happenings here in Memphis and around the world that may be of some interest and utility to our regular readers and to all who care deeply about creating more loving and nurturing relationships among all the members our One Human Community.


Our hope is to continue to develop HEAL’s core of resources for creating, supporting and nurturing healthy human relationships at the personal, interpersonal, and community levels. My contributions will show up on the newsletter as well as the blog.


June Reflections
Common Ground: June held many gifts as we wrapped up the first round of Common Ground sessions here in Memphis. Over 300 people participated in 25 unique and powerful dialog/action circles about race, its impact on our lives and community, and the possibilities we have for healing the wounds caused by racism by coming together in good ways as people and as a community. Some very interesting action ideas have come out of the CG sessions and will be implemented in the near future. Check out the website to find out more about the Action Groups and their activities.

From my perspective as a human relationship activist the recent CG process has fostered two powerful results. The first is the subtle, transformative healing that happens when people just get together in good ways. The CG Circles have created a safe, open space (common ground) for a wide variety Memphians, who normally are separated by their differences and do not normally connect to meet. This simple act of gathering together into small groups and forming deeper, more open and honest connections and relationships between people of different colors can be an incredibly healing and positive action.

Once we have begun to establish some common ground and to get connected more deeply and empathetically with others, more ‘real’ community forms. This lays a foundation for working together, and a common effort to perform some action is in itself an action that promotes community through positive personal and group progress.

I am extremely grateful to Wendy Thomas, Lisa Willis, and all the folks who stepped up to support and nurture this work for their passion, willingness to take risks, and energy.
The future intention of the organizers is to make it possible for 50,000+ people to engage in the Common Ground process in the next three years. If you are interested in participating, find out how at commongroundmemphis.org.


White Privilege: Eddie Moore, Jr., the creator and founder of the White Privilege Conference, came to town mid-month to meet with supporters, challengers, and those who wanted to know more about the concept of White Privilege and this unique conference.

Many, including myself, have been concerned that the conference name might scare people away. This might be, and the loss of those scared off will be more than offset by those who are yearning for a place and space to meet with others trying to understand privilege and its consequences.

I attended the 9th WPC in Springfield, Mass in early May and was amazed at the turnout. The time has truly come for people, especially white people like me, to face this reality and learn about the many positive options available to us for moving toward constructive change.
The conference was very educational about differences, especially those based on color, the detrimental effects they have had on nonwhite people in the past and present and will certainly have in the future, if white people do not seek and make constructive choices that undo the uniquely American system of unearned privilege of white color and move all of us closer to our various religious, political and American values.

I never felt blamed, shamed, or attacked by others and I found it impossible to witness the carnage of white privilege without confronting some of my own difficult history and the challenges that change presents to me personally. No doubt I will be sharing some these with you as I continue my journey to understand my own privileges, which go far beyond just being white in America.

July looks like a slow month in Memphis for activism. A few of us are heading to St. Louis to participate in a weekend Multicultural Gathering of folks from the Mankind Project, Woman Within, and other individuals and organizations.


Take Care,

Gratefully Seeking,

Stephan

Pardon Our Dust

Welcome to the HEAL Memphis Blog! Our blog is still under construction. Over the coming days and weeks we will be adding links, posts, and other information. If you have any suggestions for our blog, we'd love to hear them! Simply email info@healfoundation.org or comment on this post.