My Multicultural Amends by Stephan McLaughlin

Recently, at the dinner table with friends, we were talking about our kids. One shared story was about a young boy in the first or second grade who showed up to a ‘wear what you want day’ at school in a dress. The school confronted the parents and indicated that the boy needed help and if this was not addressed they would have to find another school for him. From what I could see the people in the group were sad and in disagreement with the school’s position on this event.


The conversation moved on though and at another point we were discussing our own kids, a boy and a girl, and their attraction to each other. The other Mom was expounding on her sons high level of interest in girls as he moved into adolescence, and in particular, their son’s interest in our daughter.


I made the comment that they were lucky to know that their son was attracted to girls.


Oooouuuccchhhhhh!!


The ouch, for those of you who like me are heterosexual and enjoy a level of privilege or insulation from the experiences of our homosexual brothers and sisters, might look like this from their perspective...


They could have heard me say or imply...


"Aren’t you lucky he is-

-normal...

-not attracted to other boys...

-not gay...

-that he might not be gay...

-won’t be gay when he grows up..."


I truthfully don’t believe I intended any insult or hurt, because I know in my heart I have released my old judgments about ‘gayness’ and people who are gay. In fact, I am blessed with many dear friends and associates who are gay.

After several years of multicultural training, processing and healing, I have become much more aware of comments or language which impact me in ways that bring up my ouches. And although it is not easy to own and admit, I am now more aware when I say or do something that would have a harmful impact on another, even if they are not present.

In any case there is no way my comment reflected what I was really trying to say. In the moment at the table I acknowledged and withdrew my remark as an ouch and unconsciously prejudiced. I then stated that it was wonderful that he growing up and becoming a young man.

The next morning I woke up with an even deeper realization of the ouch in my original words and that and there was so much more I could have said, that I want to say, about young people growing up and blossoming into their adult selves in all ways, physically, including their sexuality as God, as each of us understands God, creates them who they are.

What I want to say now, in no uncertain terms, is that this boy, these kids are precious and totally acceptable to me now in their childhood innocence. As I witness their blossoming, even when they falter or make mistakes, I feel joy, awe, and a sense of deep connection to them and to other people and the history that is my life.

Based on my understanding of life in this moment, their sexual nature is not a mistake or faltering. Just as we all have the masculine and feminine together in us in various intensities, these children are who they are.

My job is not to decide or judge that one way of developing is better than another, my role as parent, friend and human is to celebrate these precious children wherever they are in their blooming and development.