September Reflections

The Power of I-Statements

There is a common process that runs through several of the most innovative areas of spiritual connection and growth in our lives today. Small circle groups, 12 step recovery meetings, Restorative Justice and Circles of Trust all have in common the healing power of sharing and listening to our personal stories in confidential, safe settings with other people.

Something miraculous and transformative can happen when we share our experiences without the intention to change, fix, heal or convert others. When people offer direct advice, the recipient can get an ouch despite the best intentions. I think this is because often subtle, frequently unconscious self messages about uninvited advice can be shameful or trigger other negative perceptions about not being good enough. Hearing another person’s struggle with their own situation allows me to take away what I need or can use from their experience.

An essential part of telling my story is to use I-statements. When I use words like you, us, we, our, one or other pronouns to describe something I experienced, a listener might confuse what I am saying about me as a generalization about them or others.

When I do not use I-statements the story sounds like...
me telling you about you.

When I do use I-statements my story sounds like...
me telling you about me.

We can make choices to develop and use this new awareness by integrating the healing energy of story telling and I-statements into our personal and interpersonal communication.

Or perhaps it would be more loving and supportive to own that I could invite the healing power of telling my personal story into my life by using I-statements in my personal and interpersonal communications.

Gratefully Seeking Harmony,
Stephan