March Reflections

Recovery: Resentment

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that resentments are one of the biggest causes of alcoholism. Resentments can be toxic to our relationships with others and also to our relationship with oursleves. There is a powerful saying in the rooms (of AA) that "holding a resentment is like drinking poison ourselves while hoping the other person is going to die!"

So what is a resentment? There are many definitions and my belief is that they show up in people's lives in very unique ways. Simply stated, for me, a resentment is holding onto anger around being hurt! In healthy relationship terms, a resentment develops out of my perception of being hurt by someone or something. On a basic level I get hurt or perceive I am hurt, and I then experience feelings of anger, shame and/or fear. For some reason, usually because I become defensive, destructive or distant, the experience does not get resolved in a healthy way.

Instead of fully experiencing my feelings in the moment in a safe way, connecting with my needs and getting them met, the interaction is interrupted. I then assume, adopt or create beliefs about this hurt, the person or thing. I use these to hold onto or maintain the emotional energy and pain that is arising from the hurt, which, in my thinking, is probably an unmet need.

Then, sometimes over a very long period of time, I hold the resentment and do not make the healthy choices I could to resolve or heal it. Instead, I focus on the person and their behavior as an ongoing justification for holding on to or even strengthening the resentment. This part of my process appears to be very similar to the myth building phase of the 'cycle of violence.' Through rationalizations or distorted thinking which may or may not be accurate, I would weave a story about why they were bad for what happened, and why I was justified in my holding on to my position of woundedness.

Fortunately, I have been able to move through many of my resentments although, honestly, I can't say I am completely resentment free. And I have to admit I do not really know how I moved through the ones I have had over the years, and I have had some doozies. What I think has been the source of almost all my breakthroughs, forgiveness and reconciliations is the work of a power greater than myself, some form of Grace. For me this Amazing Grace is God. For you it might be something else. Whatever it is is, I cannot necessarily explain it nor do I have to explain or even understand it. I just know it is real, and that I am completely powerless over it.

Whether it is in recovery or relationship, resentments and dealing with them is part of the challenge we face as we move from fear to love and for some of us from insanity to serenity.

Peace In,
Stephan