Heal

May Reflections

2010-05-10T15:48:00.003-05:00

Being More Fully Engaged, Part 2 of 3

Click here for Part 1.

Stuff happens all the time in life. Everyday, every moment we face different situations where some action, behavior or conflict occurs in our relating to another person or the world. The ‘natural life experience’ begins at the instant we have a feeling (mad, sad, glad, afraid or ashamed). Our feelings tell us whether our needs are being met (glad) or not being met (sad, mad, afraid, or ashamed).

If we do not fully feel that feeling in the moment it arises, we may interrupt or distort the natural life experience pathway to seeing and recognizing what we need. This is also what happens when a person uses drugs or alcohol. In recovery, a term commonly used to describe this alteration of feelings is called medicating our feelings. Any thing I do to interrupt my feelings, disrupts the entire natural life experience process!

If we can agree on the importance of feelings in our natural life process, we can develop a much broader definition of addiction to include using people, places and things to change the way we feel. Let’s distinguish between the healthy experience of people, places, and things, which includes having feelings rather that using these to change feelings.

Natural life experience involves having the full spectrum of feelings around people, places and things and then, as previously mentioned, also connecting with needs and actions to take care of our selves and getting our needs met in healthy ways. Addictive changing of feelings switches off the full life experience and substitutes a shortcut to artificially induced happy or euphoric feelings. Addictive choices create simulated need satisfaction that gives the illusion that no action or choices are needed to move through an event in a constructive way.

This alternative, artificial life experience looks like encountering a life event and instead of dealing with it through the more lengthy, sometimes difficult life experience, we take a short cut to need satisfaction via using. In this scenario we do not learn, heal or grow emotionally and spiritually. This pathway then loops back on itself often establishing a repeating pattern of artificial life experience. This is a pattern typical in addiction.

An important feature that distinguishes having feelings from changing feelings is how this behavior is working in our lives. Typically changing feelings results in negative life consequences or recurring destructive patterns. Having feelings and engaging more fully in the natural life experiences of our lives helps us to grow and mature physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually all at the same time. We find ourselves enjoying the fruits of this life labor: more love, serenity, peace, contentedness, balance and wholeness.

To be continued...

Letter to the Editor Published

2010-04-22T10:09:00.002-05:00

Stephan's letter to the editor was published Sunday, April 18. Click here to read it!

Letter to the Editor

2010-04-09T13:35:00.002-05:00

*This letter was submitted to The Commercial Appeal on Friday, April 9. We'll update the blog if it is published.

As a great-grandson of E.H. Crump and a Memphian, I want to thank Pam and Rob Cooper and all the people who helped them create their new documentary, Citizens Not Subjects. On one hand it acknowledges the often celebrated achievement of Mr. Crump and his supporters as they brought about the incredible transformation of Memphis from a stunted, corrupt and often violent river town into a true modern city whose sense of community still survives and serves us today.

This powerful piece of historical film work goes on to tell what until now has been the untold story of the dark side of the Crump Machine and its 50 year domination of Memphis politics. The main theme of this labor of love for our city then reveals the fascinating, uncelebrated story of Edward Meeman, Lucius Burch and Edmund Orgill and the role their courage, intelligence, energy and integrity had in creating the progressive movement that stubbornly resisted and eventually unseated what had become a dysfunctional Crump machine more intent on preserving its own power and influence than serving the best interests of the City.

As the intention and Greek legend behind the name of Rob and Pam’s company, Verissima Productions, implies, we as people, families and communities cannot be whole, healed and healthy without the entire “truth, vitality and essence of the story” especially when it is our own. I personally encourage all the folks who loved these fine people and our city to watch this essential piece of our Memphis story when it airs Thursday, April 22, at 9pm on WKNO.

Stephan McLaughlin

April Reflections

2010-04-09T13:12:00.003-05:00

Being More Fully Engaged, Part 1 of 3

For me, healthy relationship looks like being more fully engaged in my own life and my experience of it. This is relative to being less engaged in what is going on in my life. I am not trying to set myself up as a standard, only to speak from my own experience, which has ranged widely between more or less engaged over 56 years of my lifetime.

According to this way of looking at relationship, my days of more addictive and obsessive behaviors would reflect my being less engaged and less healthy, while my more sober life of the last 20 years are what I would call my more engaged years. Hopefully, this latter part of my life is the one in which I am connecting to myself and others in more healthy ways. In 12 Step terms, this life practice is about ‘progress not perfection.’ I trust that any progress in my life toward more healthy has come from more spiritual based sober living and Recovery.

From these perspectives I see that not being fully engaged in my life is not healthy or sober. The specific way I was not connected for years, perhaps my entire adolescence and young adulthood, is that I became disconnected from my feelings. Feelings are an essential part of what I call my natural life experience in which I feel my feelings which then help me to understand and connect with my deeper needs, and with that information I can seek more healthy, constructive ways of taking care of myself and my own needs.

Healthy relationship with myself depends on my ability to be aware and present enough to feel my feelings, identify my needs and take care of myself! Taking better care of myself, in turn, promotes my own wellbeing, independence, and wholeness, which is a great place for me to attempt to connect with others in more healthy ways.

To be continued...

March Reflections

2010-03-04T18:01:00.002-06:00

Recovery: Resentment

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that resentments are one of the biggest causes of alcoholism. Resentments can be toxic to our relationships with others and also to our relationship with oursleves. There is a powerful saying in the rooms (of AA) that "holding a resentment is like drinking poison ourselves while hoping the other person is going to die!"

So what is a resentment? There are many definitions and my belief is that they show up in people's lives in very unique ways. Simply stated, for me, a resentment is holding onto anger around being hurt! In healthy relationship terms, a resentment develops out of my perception of being hurt by someone or something. On a basic level I get hurt or perceive I am hurt, and I then experience feelings of anger, shame and/or fear. For some reason, usually because I become defensive, destructive or distant, the experience does not get resolved in a healthy way.

Instead of fully experiencing my feelings in the moment in a safe way, connecting with my needs and getting them met, the interaction is interrupted. I then assume, adopt or create beliefs about this hurt, the person or thing. I use these to hold onto or maintain the emotional energy and pain that is arising from the hurt, which, in my thinking, is probably an unmet need.

Then, sometimes over a very long period of time, I hold the resentment and do not make the healthy choices I could to resolve or heal it. Instead, I focus on the person and their behavior as an ongoing justification for holding on to or even strengthening the resentment. This part of my process appears to be very similar to the myth building phase of the 'cycle of violence.' Through rationalizations or distorted thinking which may or may not be accurate, I would weave a story about why they were bad for what happened, and why I was justified in my holding on to my position of woundedness.

Fortunately, I have been able to move through many of my resentments although, honestly, I can't say I am completely resentment free. And I have to admit I do not really know how I moved through the ones I have had over the years, and I have had some doozies. What I think has been the source of almost all my breakthroughs, forgiveness and reconciliations is the work of a power greater than myself, some form of Grace. For me this Amazing Grace is God. For you it might be something else. Whatever it is is, I cannot necessarily explain it nor do I have to explain or even understand it. I just know it is real, and that I am completely powerless over it.

Whether it is in recovery or relationship, resentments and dealing with them is part of the challenge we face as we move from fear to love and for some of us from insanity to serenity.

Peace In,
Stephan

February Reflections

2010-02-11T12:06:00.001-06:00

From the archives:

The Importance of Black History

A friend of mine asked me what I thought about an article he read that questioned the fairness and necessity of Black History Month. Do we really still need it? Why do we need a special history month for any group or part of our society? At some point will we have a Latino History Month?

My response has been sensitized with my newly acquired awareness around some of these ‘issues’ and ‘-isms.’ By doing personal growth work around my own white privilege and racism, I am more acutely aware than ever before of the painful and discriminatory imbalance in the way history has been taught in our country. Since the first black slaves were brought to America over 500 years ago, we have primarily had White History, All Year, Every Year in our schools, textbooks and courses.

In order to restore balance, America may need to embrace other nonwhite peoples’ history in special ways for decades. We will need a Black History Month and maybe a Latino History Month, too, until our American History books are more comprehensive and inclusive of the more ‘left out’ American’s history.

From my perspective, we need to go far enough to the side of giving special recognition to the previously ignored parts of our story, until a more balanced view is attained and maintained. In addition to telling and owning the terrible parts of these histories, we could also embrace the good parts. Non-white men and women of all colors have made huge contributions to our growth and development on many different levels. Giving these accomplishments more attention and celebration is part of the healing and growth necessary to progress beyond the past and toward beloved community. Considering the magnitude of the imbalance, we have barely begun to re-balance our culture and history.

Gratefully Seeking,
Stephan

January Reflections

2010-01-14T09:42:00.002-06:00

“One year of unfolding Self is worth more than 50 years of conventional living.”
Don Jones from Wisdom for the Journey.

I love this way of looking at Self-development as an “unfolding,” a gradual, intentional opening, healing and growing of a Self, one layer at a time until more is revealed. What a wonderful way to begin my new year. No resolutions or promises to break and fall, just an intention to explore and seek a deeper understanding of some essential questions like Who am I?, Why do I do what do?, What do I need to be whole and happy?, What are my gifts, and How can I can contribute to the relationships in my life?

A great book I came across this last year to support my own “unfolding” is Believing in Myself: Daily Meditations for Healing and Building Self-Esteem. There is an emphasis on Recovery and each day contains a little nugget which is very useful whether recovering from an addiction or just the toughness of the lives we are living. This book is written by Ernie Larson and his sister Carol Hegarty, both renowned authors who write about recovery and healing.

My intention this year is to explore more of what unfolding means for me and I hope to share some of that with you. Bless you and your New Year intentions and plans.

Gratefully Unfolding My Self,
Stephan

October Reflections

2009-10-05T19:09:00.003-05:00

Transformative Processes
Re Evaluation Counseling (RC)

Hope all of you are having a blessing-filled, prosperous fall. The weather has finally started to turn and soon the leaves will begin falling. I just spent a beautiful and wonderful weekend at St. Columba, the Episcopal retreat center just outside Memphis, doing an RC fundamentals retreat.

After working my buns off for the last several weeks, every fiber of my tired body told me I did not need to go to this workshop. Remembering Paul Ferrini’s words about “resisting the lessons I need to learn the most” and my positive experiences with the folks from this group at WPC 9 & 10, I drove myself out to St. C. early Friday evening.

My primary motivation to attend was my long-term friendship with Randy Gamble, who has benefited tremendously from his practice of RC, and my relatively new and healing connection with Barbara Love, a longtime RC practitioner and leader. Barbara is, in my perception, one of the most loving spirits I have encountered and followed on my life journey so far. Rarely am I led astray when I trust people with whom I have worked to do healing work and form healthy relationships. My trust in these people and the process proved to be well placed.

For me, RC fits into a broader menu of Transformative Processes that range from 12-step work like AA and Al Anon to Restorative Justice. Simply stated, RC is a form of co-counseling in which two or more people engage in an exchange of compassionate listening. Each takes a turn being the “counselor” and then the “client” to create a safe, nonjudgmental space for each to allow the discharge, release, of distress, unhealed emotional wounds. The intention is to listen supportively with only a minimum of guiding commentary intended to promote the discharge, the experiencing of our feelings, and to remind the client that all beings, including the client, are inherently capable, competent, and good no matter our past behaviors.

My RC experience turned out to be rewarding beyond my initial resistance and even exceeded my most positive expectations. What I found myself surrounded by is one of the most authentic, congruent, diverse, and loving communities I have experienced in my life to date. The RC Community is one in which love and feelings are placed above almost all other aspects of human relationship.

My hope is to write more about this unique and valuable process. We are adding it to the growing menu of HEAL supported activities that are already creating healthy relationship in the world. Our belief is that these unique models, philosophies and practices can help and serve people looking to invite these ways of living and loving in their lives.

If you want to check out RC and see Barbara Love, she will be in Memphis speaking and presenting at the 2009 Gandhi King Conference later this month on October 23, 24, and 25th. There will be several introductory workshops to the RC process. Hope to see some of you at these powerful upcoming events.

Gratefully Seeking Harmony,
Stephan

September Reflections

2009-09-05T21:17:00.003-05:00

The Power of I-Statements

There is a common process that runs through several of the most innovative areas of spiritual connection and growth in our lives today. Small circle groups, 12 step recovery meetings, Restorative Justice and Circles of Trust all have in common the healing power of sharing and listening to our personal stories in confidential, safe settings with other people.

Something miraculous and transformative can happen when we share our experiences without the intention to change, fix, heal or convert others. When people offer direct advice, the recipient can get an ouch despite the best intentions. I think this is because often subtle, frequently unconscious self messages about uninvited advice can be shameful or trigger other negative perceptions about not being good enough. Hearing another person’s struggle with their own situation allows me to take away what I need or can use from their experience.

An essential part of telling my story is to use I-statements. When I use words like you, us, we, our, one or other pronouns to describe something I experienced, a listener might confuse what I am saying about me as a generalization about them or others.

When I do not use I-statements the story sounds like...
me telling you about you.

When I do use I-statements my story sounds like...
me telling you about me.

We can make choices to develop and use this new awareness by integrating the healing energy of story telling and I-statements into our personal and interpersonal communication.

Or perhaps it would be more loving and supportive to own that I could invite the healing power of telling my personal story into my life by using I-statements in my personal and interpersonal communications.

Gratefully Seeking Harmony,
Stephan

August Reflections

2009-07-30T09:13:00.001-05:00

Seeking Reconciliation

To many people the recent incident involving the arrest of Professor Gates on the front porch of his own home by a Cambridge police officer is a blatant example of racial profiling and injustice. To others it is another example of an oversensitive, unappreciative minority reacting to a police officer trying to do his job. I do not know what happened.

What I do know is that here is another conflict and struggle that provides all of us with at least two unique opportunities. We could just take sides and seek to confirm our fears and judgments about each other. Or there is another more desirable possibility. We could choose to explore what else is happening below the surface of this incident in the hope that we might learn something we may not have known before this shared experience.

When I was growing up one of my history teachers had a little saying posted on his wall that read, “There are three sides to every story… yours, mine and the facts.” So on the news face of it, we have a battle of perspectives and opinions, and the facts will likely never be fully revealed or understood by all of us. The fight to be in the right about the facts could prove draining and counter productive as we put our energy into justifying our view and winning the debate.

A more significant fact that does not blame or shame anyone is that this incident is a learning opportunity. This was an incident that could potentially touch several ‘isms’ and even with all of its confusion and counterclaims, there is much to be learned from sharing our perspectives of what happened, and how people were impacted. Facts can be disputed and contradicted, but the deeper lessons do not call for victory but learning, healing and growth for the greater good of all. We can make progress if we are willing to sit with and process difficult and uncomfortable situations like this in non-blaming and non-shaming ways.

How could we possibly do this? By making different choices than the ones that keep us mired in separation, fear and judgment of each other. We could choose to create a safe place from which more of us could examine and discuss the intricate web of interactions that are involved here, the relationship between the Professor and the Officer, the longer term relationship between people who are not white and law enforcement, the relationship between white dominated institutions and people who are not white, and the historical relationship between blacks and whites for instance. The facts of this incident are relatively simple; it is the deeper components and impacts that are more complex.

This incident and the resulting conflict are having a real impact, which is old, painful, and frustrating for many people especially those on the hurt side of ‘isms.’ Most conflicts are due to factors that reach beyond the immediate circumstances into issues with much deeper mental, emotional and spiritual meaning and ramifications. By facing and dealing with our problems, we gain opportunities to break out of chronic, dysfunctional social patterns of behavior that continue to create the same old results.

Recently on the Charlie Rose Show, Rose discussed the Gates Incident and Race in America with Rev. Floyd Flake and two journalists, Raina Kelly and David Remnick. They talked about how President Obama is attempting to deal with the situation by calling for a discussion of this incident. He hopes to bring together all parties to talk about what really happened physically and at deeper level too.

The commentators hoped that in that process perhaps we can discover something about ourselves and each other that we would have other wise realized or that we have not yet leaned that is in every body’s best interest. Raina Kelly captured an essential aspect of race relations today with these comments on the need for seeking reconciliation:

“I think we will have to because reconciliation is not a concept we have seen a lot of, we have seen violence, we have seen heated words, rarely do we see two parties come together and say… and bend in some way shape or form. It is amazing Mr. Obama made that speech, we are so used to seeing people harden their positions over the course of a news cycle…The rhetoric gets built up and built up…and then when the American people say to themselves, please let this be over we move on to something else…

But all we really did was delay payment, delay reconciliation, we have been delaying dealing with our issues for years… for decades even, each time when there is a chance to come together, to have a discussion to learn something, it never happens.”

(Check out the discussion at charlierose.com.)

For those of us who have studied nonviolence and peacemaking this is a familiar pattern. Something happens, an incident, and instead of coming together to work it out, each side withdraws to deal with its wounds and weave a story about why they were unjustly attacked and hurt and why they are justified in retaliating. This is the pattern of a classical cycle of violence, not just physical violence but the emotional and spiritual wounding that leads up to and occurs in a situation like this. The lack of relationship and healthy connection around an incident leads to the rationalization of continued separation while laying the ground for the next incident.

The way to break out of this destructive spiral is to move toward reconciliation. If we really hope to move past race and discrimination, we could choose to come together, to find ways to say and hear these hurts and find ways to stay and bend. Healing and reconciliation can happen if we make the choices that invite these possibilities into our lives on many levels.

Gratefully Seeking Reconciliation and Harmony,
Stephan

July Reflections

2009-07-09T20:19:00.001-05:00

Creating More Healthy Global Community Relationships

President Obama has recently given a series of very mindful and considerate speeches setting out a new and very different vision for relations with other countries and people.

Recently in Prague he put forth his ideas for a world free of nuclear weapons. His speech in Cairo a few weeks ago reached out not just to the leaders but to all Muslims in an attempt to establish a new intention by America to form better, stronger relationships with them and to work to address our differences and problems in constructive ways. Today, he spoke in Russia hoping to “reset” our strained relations with our longtime rival by setting aside old views and embracing new possibilities. Here is a small excerpt from that speech.

“There is the 20th Century view that the US and Russia are destined to be antagonists. And that a strong Russia or a strong America can only assert themselves in opposition to one another. And there is a 19th Century view that we are destined to vie for spheres of influence and that great powers must forge competing blocks to balance one another.

These assumptions are wrong. In 2009, a great power does not show strength by dominating or demonizing other countries.

It is difficult to forge a lasting partnership between former adversaries. It is hard to change habits that have been engrained in our governments and bureaucracies for decades. But I believe that on the fundamental issues that will shape this century, Americans and Russians share common interests that form a basis for cooperation. It is not for me to define Russia’s national interests, but I can tell you about America’s national interest, and I believe you will see that we share common ground.”

Many pundits and experts are straining to explain Obama’s words as right or wrong in terms of established foreign relations or political science knowledge. In terms of human relationship wisdom his choices appear to indicate an intentional choice on his part to transcend these older, accepted ways of relating to our “enemies” or conflict partners, thereby breaking out of chronic cycles of competition, violence or dysfunction and moving toward reconciliation and collaboration.

This approach is very different from the vengeful, aggressive, and violent response the US Administrations have pursued since 9/11. Reaching out in positive ways, establishing our intent to be friendly and constructive, pursuing mutually beneficial goals through mutually respectful and considerate processes are all actions that help promote taking that fork in the road away from fear and destruction toward hope and reconciliation and ultimately shared community.

If we are uncertain or confused by these developments, an important question to ask at this transitional moment is how well are our old methods of relating globally working? Do we have real safety, security and collaboration, and not just with our historic friends and allies but with those we fear and distrust? Can we change these old patterns? Is the cost of our current approach sustainable, especially in these challenging times? How much justice, equality, trust and friendship could we stimulate if even some of the resources we now have tied up in “necessary defensive and offensive capabilities” could be redirected to creating new allies? How much could we save if we could worry less about defending ourselves from an attack?

I do not believe President Obama is a demon or a savior; I hope and believe he is an intelligent, hardworking, practical leader with an understanding and willingness to pursue a new approach to old problems that persist despite our good intentions and best, sometimes heroic efforts.

Yes, this approach involves risk, perhaps great risk, but no greater and certain than the risk of pursuing unhealthy, codependent and dysfunctional relationships with our global neighbors and other members of the Greater Human Family.

Being open, vulnerable and willing to focus on protecting our national interests through unforced or uncoerced cooperation and collaboration even with old enemies promotes real community and fosters authentic safety in all dimensions of relationship.

Hate and Fear out.
Love and Peace in.

Gratefully Seeking Harmony,
Stephan

June Reflections

2009-06-08T07:42:00.002-05:00

Ultimately it’s still about healthy relationship…

For those who have been interested in HEAL and our healthy relationship work, you may have wondered why in the world I have spent so much of my time and our resources working on and writing about racism and white privilege. In fact, there have been many times over the last couple of years when I have asked myself the same question.

If my passion and purpose are to promote healthy relationship, then why am I spending so much of my time doing what to some might appear as work around unrelated issues. The answer is simple…working on white privilege, diversity, multiculturalism, and racism or any of the ‘isms’ ultimately is about healing old wounds and ‘less than-ness’ and creating healthy relationship.
Discrimination, racism, and unearned privilege are just other old examples of how unhealthy relationships exist in our group, cultural, social, and international relationships. There are many different names for these behaviors but at the core they are each about less than loving nurturing relationship choices between people that have the potential to create deep, lasting physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual harm.

These unhealthy behaviors are examples of just some of the old and new ways we find to separate and diminish ourselves and others by maintaining or expanding systematic, socialized, institutionalized, or other established patterns of unhealthy behavior. Equality and a reduction or elimination of hierarchy, are essential to promoting healthy relationship. Any choices we make to treat someone in less than loving and nurturing ways based on gender, skin color, economic factors, age, sexual orientation or other differences is to engage in behaviors that corrupt and undermine healthy relationship.

More awareness of each of these areas as old, even ancient, problems or examples of unhealthy relationship, is the beginning of their undoing. Like our other healthy relationship ‘practices’, we can choose to take on an intention and determination to better understand and counteract old less healthy choices with new more healthy choices. We can then be open to feedback on the impact and usefulness of our new choices and adjust and learn from our failures and successes. Much more on what these ‘practices’ are in future writings.

Have a good June.

Gratefully Seeking Harmony,
Stephan

To view our newsletter online, visit our website.

May Reflections

2009-05-04T10:38:00.002-05:00

Letter to the Editor from Stephan McLaughlin. Edited version appeared in the Commercial Appeal on April 19.

Re: My White Privilege Conference 10 Experience,

As a great grandson of E. H. Crump, I was probably one of the most politically, economically, white, male privileged babies born in Memphis in 1953. If anyone in town could have been a poster boy for the White Privilege Conference held here recently, it was me. Despite the fear invoked by a conference so directly named for a challenging subject, I have embraced the idea of privilege as a reality worthy of my attention and vulnerability. So I attended the 10th Annual White Privilege Conference held here last week, the first time it has come to the South.

Admittedly, there were certain parts of my conference experience that I found very difficult, but none that were not worthy of the effort. After years of healthy relationship work, I have come to realize that my greatest learning often comes from the lessons that I resist the most. In the case of white privilege, it appears to be another, deeper piece of the racism puzzle. For me, this hidden layer must be uncovered and to some extent undone, if I hope to be the person I aspire to be and to help create the kind of community in which I want to live and to bring up my family.

So what is white privilege? My current understanding is that, simply stated, it is the unearned benefits, advantages, and choices I receive as a result of my skin color being white. Tim Wise, author, speaker and guide for white people trying to understand this concept, reminds us that “White privilege is not about white people, it is about whiteness.”

It is about a system, in which white people, who are not negatively impacted by the system, have trouble actually seeing the system itself and their role in it. White privilege is like a comfort zone bubble in which white people can live without realizing how the bubble protects and maintains their privilege. My experience is that this blindness is a form of ‘denial,’ and for me, required a ‘spiritual awakening’ and a certain grace to see, so I could begin to make different choices in my life.

The conference was an excellent place for me to gain a better understanding of the meaning of unearned privilege, and how it causes many forms of suffering in those people who do not have it. There was plenty of quantitative evidence to support the belief that people who are not white have a different experience of my white America than I do. The average value of household assets, the low numbers of African Americans, women and other people of color that hold various positions of responsibility and power in business and government, or the number of nonwhite faces on our money are all indicators that the disparities exist and continue.

Ultimately, as a straight, white, economically, and male privileged person, for me White Privilege is more opportunity than problem. As a lifelong learner and someone who aspires to live a more spiritually centered life, seeking to understand all destructive ‘isms’ and their constructive counterparts is not a new path for me. This path is consistent with my journey as a Christian, an Episcopalian, a Memphian, a Southerner, and yes, as a white man.

The conference and the work of understanding and undoing white privilege and all ‘isms’ is the way to a different, better world where community is something that is created by awareness of difficult issues and a willingness to deal with them openly and honestly. This is a path to Dr. King’s vision of ‘Beloved Community’ where we as a people can strive to bridge our differences with integrity and to communicate with authenticity. This progress is that foundation on which Memphis as a city can continue its growth as a place where many people value, welcome and affirm diversity and continue to try to relate to each other with love and respect.

Stephan McLaughlin Jr.
HEAL
Mankind Project

April Reflections

2009-03-31T21:04:00.000-05:00

Last Call for WPC 10, A Once in a Life Time Experience

This week the 10th Annual White Privilege Conference will be held in Memphis, Tennessee, for the first and possibly the last time in our hometown.

Dr. Martin Luther King will not be there!

And hundreds of people filled with his spirit, passion and commitment to his dream of beloved community will be!

The learning, healing, and growth at this unique gathering will transform each of us now and forever.

Come join us as we come together to change our world for good!

From one spiritual being walking a human path to another,
gratefully seeking harmony,
Stephan

Conference location:
Hilton Hotel, I-240 and Poplar Ave.
939 Ridge Lake Boulevard
Memphis, TN
901.684.6664

Register on site:
Institutes: Wednesday, April 1, 8-9:30am
Conference (no partial prices): Thursday, April 2, 7-11am

For more details visit: http://www.uccs.edu/~wpc/ or contact Daryl Miller at dmiller4@uccs.edu  or 719. 255.4764

March Reflections

2009-03-07T16:03:00.004-06:00

The Importance of Black History

A friend of mine asked me what I thought about an article he read that questioned the fairness and necessity of Black History Month. Do we really still need it? Why do we need a special history month for any group or part of our society? At some point will we have a Latino History Month?

My response has been sensitized with my newly acquired awareness around some of these ‘issues’ and ‘-isms.’ By doing personal growth work around my own white privilege and racism, I am more acutely aware than ever before of the painful and discriminatory imbalance in the way history has been taught in our country. Since the first black slaves were brought to America over 500 years ago, we have primarily had White History, All Year, Every Year in our schools, textbooks and courses.

In order to restore balance, America may need to embrace other nonwhite peoples’ history in special ways for decades. We will need a Black History Month and maybe a Latino History Month, too, until our American History books are more comprehensive and inclusive of the more ‘left out’ American’s history.

From my perspective, we need to go far enough to the side of giving special recognition to the previously ignored parts of our story, until a more balanced view is attained and maintained. In addition to telling and owning the terrible parts of these histories, we could also embrace the good parts. Non-white men and women of all colors have made huge contributions to our growth and development on many different levels. Giving these accomplishments more attention and celebration is part of the healing and growth necessary to progress beyond the past and toward beloved community. Considering the magnitude of the imbalance, we have barely begun to re-balance our culture and history.

Gratefully Seeking,
Stephan

To view this month's newsletter, visit healfoundation.org.

February Reflections

2009-02-03T09:04:00.001-06:00

Moving Toward Beloved Community

One small step for African Americans...
One giant leap for all people toward beloved community.
When I was growing up as a privileged, white boy in the South, many people probably assumed that a man would walk on the moon before a black man would walk into the White House as President of the United States. Neither was likely or possible, and if a man was to walk on the moon it would surely be the more significant event in the history of Mankind. We were correct about timing but not necessarily about historic significance.

On January 20, 2009, the day that Barack Hussien Obama officially became President of the United States of America, one of the most difficult, impossible, and significant events to imagine in American and human history finally occurred. Acting on the sacrifice, suffering, and service of generations, enough people finally stood up and took action, and an incredible man of color and service stepped into leadership not just for America but for those of us who believe and struggle to live in Beloved Community.

The meaning and significance of the impossible made possible in our lifetimes could be seen and experienced in the faces and eyes of the millions of people of all colors, cultures, religions, and ages from all over the world who turned out, came together, flooded public spaces, shed tears, held hands and each other and honored these wondrous events. Many of us literally pinched ourselves to make sure we were not just dreaming!

For me the energy is not about President Obama being a savior or messiah, the energy of these historic days and changes is that more than ever before the people of America and the people of the planet have come together to embrace and make real a dream of a better life, a better America, a better world for all people. Another move, perhaps the biggest yet in human history toward equality, justice, and beloved community.

So as we move into February, Black History Month, here in the US, we can celebrate not only the history of the past but the history of the present, of today, of now!

Gratefully Seeking,
Stephan

December Reflections

2008-12-05T15:23:00.004-06:00

The Power of the Circle

When I first started doing HEAL work back in 1991, I had no idea what it really meant to be in ‘healthy relationship.’ How was my newfound passion for healthy relationship work supposed to look in action? What I thought I was being called to do was to identify and to write about specific information people could use to interact in more healthy ways with themselves and each other.

What I was to discover is that there are an incredible number of ways to actually create and be in healthy relationship. One of these ways is to connect with other people in a group relationship experience commonly referred to as ‘small circles.’ These simple human gatherings have been around since the creation of campfires. Here is a little of my experience with one of these life rafts of healthy relating and spiritual connection which I found right around the corner from my house. Small circles are available to all of us in some form, and all one has to do is show up.

Before getting involved in small circles, my attempts to be a loving, caring human had been characterized by many choices and behaviors that were not healthy. I knew this because my choices were not creating the relationships I desired and deserved with the people I cared the most about in my life.

One of the most important and powerful new choices I made that really began to change my life and relationships was to begin showing up and participating in small circles. These circles were gatherings of people who wanted to get to know themselves and each other more deeply. The willing showed up because we wanted to go beneath the surface and begin to see our own inner workings and to witness the workings of others. The reluctant showed up because we had to or because we had no other ideas or options on how to deal with the challenges in our lives.

At first this activity was a little scary and seemed odd and uncomfortable. The fact is I was so tired of my problems and struggles with my family and life at that time, that I had reached a point of willingness to change and be open. I sat down, stayed put and kept coming back, even when I did not think I was getting much from the experience.

Fortunately, I rarely left a circle empty handed. Little gifts continually popped up when I listened to other people’s stories. Though they were never directly designated for me, it was like these gifts were meant just for me. These little gifts led to my progress and fostered my desire to return.

Slowly but surely, I began to experience the healing power of sharing my own story and of listening to others share. I found that there is a spiritual healing energy in the sharing, especially when we honor the humanity and competency of each person in the circle without trying to heal, fix, change or convert each other. I learned that both sharing and listening increased my own healing and sense of release and in the process helped me attain more serenity in my daily life. As I grew more comfortable with being in a circle and started to trust the inherent goodness of those present, I welcomed with relief and gratitude the knowledge that never again would I have to deal with my problems and challenges alone.

Eventually, I went to many different kinds of small circles. Initially, there were 12 step meetings, then workshops, group therapy sessions, and on to men’s groups and grief circles just to name a few.

Small circles is one of the main processes that HEAL intends to encourage and support. I look forward to sharing my experiences and insights into this uniquely transforming way for us to connect and grow in healthy relationship.

Here is a wonderful reading from an Al Anon book, The Courage to Change, that really captures for me the significance and possibilities I realized when I joined the circle.

I used to live my life as if I were on a ladder. Everyone was either above me--to be feared and envied--or below me--to be pitied. God was way, way at the top, beyond my view. That was a hard, lonely way to live because no two people can stand comfortably on the same rung for very long.

When I came to Al-Anon, I found a lot of people who had decided to climb down their ladders into the circle of fellowship. In the circle we were all on equal terms, and God was right in the center, easily accessible. When newcomers arrived we didn't worry about rearranging everyone's position, we simply widened the circle.

Today I no longer look up to some people and down on others. I can look each person in the eye, squarely and honestly. Today, being humble means climbing down the ladder of judgment of myself and others, and taking my rightful place in a worldwide circle of love and support.
From page 33 of Courage to Change

Have a blessing filled Holiday,

Stephan

November Reflections

2008-11-04T15:25:00.005-06:00

Most of us, especially those of us here in Memphis, are not surprised to hear that one of the most powerful ways people come together in harmonious connection is through music. There are numerous, wonderful examples of local and regional music festivals like Memphis in May and the New Orleans Jazz Fest that bring people, who may not be in close relationship in everyday life, together into more unified community. Then there are also the historic, larger venues of music from to Woodstock to Farm Aid where people have come together to make and listen to music for some greater good.

In each of these gatherings large numbers of people of various backgrounds and cultures come together in ways that celebrate our common connections while transcending our differences. Each time we witness and experience these vibrations, most of us have been able to go way beyond the cultural boundaries and definitions of groups, communities and even nations. Music is a powerful tool for creating harmonious and healthy relationships and community.

The other night on Bill Moyer’s Journal there was a great story of a young man named Mark Johnson who has helped tap the transformative ability of music to create harmony among different people all around the globe. Mark, a long time music and film producer, traveled around the world capturing unique sounds from a rainbow of musicians and groups. He then seamlessly and brilliantly edited them together to create ‘world music’ the unites us changing our world for good!

Check out his Playing for Change: Peace through Music segment on Bill Moyers and follow the links to his website and work. Hope this puts a smile on your face as big as the one on mine.

Take care, have a blessed month.

Seeking Harmony,
Stephan

Gandhi-King photos

2008-11-04T14:51:00.000-06:00

We didn't take as many as we would have liked, but we do have a few photos from the Gandhi-King Conference last month.

Gandhi-King Conference 2008

My Multicultural Amends by Stephan McLaughlin

2008-09-26T11:11:00.005-05:00

Recently, at the dinner table with friends, we were talking about our kids. One shared story was about a young boy in the first or second grade who showed up to a ‘wear what you want day’ at school in a dress. The school confronted the parents and indicated that the boy needed help and if this was not addressed they would have to find another school for him. From what I could see the people in the group were sad and in disagreement with the school’s position on this event.

The conversation moved on though and at another point we were discussing our own kids, a boy and a girl, and their attraction to each other. The other Mom was expounding on her sons high level of interest in girls as he moved into adolescence, and in particular, their son’s interest in our daughter.

I made the comment that they were lucky to know that their son was attracted to girls.

Oooouuuccchhhhhh!!

The ouch, for those of you who like me are heterosexual and enjoy a level of privilege or insulation from the experiences of our homosexual brothers and sisters, might look like this from their perspective...

They could have heard me say or imply...

"Aren’t you lucky he is-

-normal...

-not attracted to other boys...

-not gay...

-that he might not be gay...

-won’t be gay when he grows up..."

I truthfully don’t believe I intended any insult or hurt, because I know in my heart I have released my old judgments about ‘gayness’ and people who are gay. In fact, I am blessed with many dear friends and associates who are gay.

After several years of multicultural training, processing and healing, I have become much more aware of comments or language which impact me in ways that bring up my ouches. And although it is not easy to own and admit, I am now more aware when I say or do something that would have a harmful impact on another, even if they are not present.

In any case there is no way my comment reflected what I was really trying to say. In the moment at the table I acknowledged and withdrew my remark as an ouch and unconsciously prejudiced. I then stated that it was wonderful that he growing up and becoming a young man.

The next morning I woke up with an even deeper realization of the ouch in my original words and that and there was so much more I could have said, that I want to say, about young people growing up and blossoming into their adult selves in all ways, physically, including their sexuality as God, as each of us understands God, creates them who they are.

What I want to say now, in no uncertain terms, is that this boy, these kids are precious and totally acceptable to me now in their childhood innocence. As I witness their blossoming, even when they falter or make mistakes, I feel joy, awe, and a sense of deep connection to them and to other people and the history that is my life.

Based on my understanding of life in this moment, their sexual nature is not a mistake or faltering. Just as we all have the masculine and feminine together in us in various intensities, these children are who they are.

My job is not to decide or judge that one way of developing is better than another, my role as parent, friend and human is to celebrate these precious children wherever they are in their blooming and development.

August Reflections

2008-08-15T07:42:00.007-05:00

Thanks to the heat, I have definitely been in the summer doldrums. After the spring madness of Community Building, Common Ground, and White Privilege, I have had a difficult time bringing up energy for anything other than the work I have had to do to earn a living and playing with the kids over summer vacation. Hope all of you have been able to remain relatively cool and have taken some time to enjoy the wonders of summer on your vacations or with your little ones.

Despite the slowdown, HEAL continues to be involved in some activities which you may find of interest, including the some multicultural and restorative justice happenings in July.

Multi-Cultural Gathering in St Louis
Over the past several years the Mankind Project, an international men’s group, has been attempting to create a safer, more inclusive community for its own members and with other nonmember groups and individuals. This goal has been pursued by adopting an initiative to increase our individual and group awareness of our many differences like gender, skin color, economic position, education, and even age, just to name a few. We have looked at how these differences result in unearned privilege for some and a loss of power for others based on the difference, resulting in some form of an ‘ism’, like racism or sexism.

An important development of this initiative has been the formation of a Multi-Cultural Council and an annual gathering of a small, diverse group of Council participants who have been willing to meet once a year to do personal and institutional work around a variety of ‘issues and isms.’ This year people who represent various MKP, WW and other communities came together in St. Louis to do this work. Here is a small sample of what happened this year’s gathering.

This year’s Keynote was Bruce A. Jacobs, author of Race Manners for the 21st Century. A recent graduate of the MKP New Warrior Training Adventure, Bruce’s passion and mission brought his book and work to life. From his perspective as a well educated black man, with a middle class American upbringing, he succinctly outlined much of what he believes is at the core of current racism and many of the choices available to individuals and communities for positive change.

In addition, to specific ideas for dealing and healing racism, he reminded us to keep the struggle in historical perspective. The damage from slavery and the practice of racism in America has happened over 400 years. We are only beginning to honestly and sincerely figure out how we can come to terms with these past and present realities. Actually moving away from the old and embracing a new, more authentic society of equality and celebration is a slow, difficult process. There is a paradox. Injustice cannot be undone fast enough while healing and healthy relationship building are processes which require time and patience. As activists we may be called to do both at the same time.

One of the goals of each gathering is to offer the representatives from the various MKP, WW and public communities some information and training that strengthens their connections as representatives to each other and can also be brought back to our communities. The Saturday session this year was a Marshall Rosenberg based, nonviolent communication workshop called Connecting Across Differences: Speaking Peace With Compassionate Communication presented by Jeff Brown and Rhonda Mills, two excellent local trainers.

Time limited the presentation to a brief intro during which Jeff and Wendy modeled and played out this very different way of sharing information about our feelings and needs with each other. Noticeably absent from the exchanges was any judgments about each other, which is an intentional part of the NVC process because our ‘thinking’ judgments are believed to separate and distract us from what is trying to be communicated.

There were many similarities between this Nonviolent Communication Process (NVC) and the tools and techniques we use in MKP to do clearings and to deal with conflict. This method, although difficult and challenging to learn and use, does offer a desirable alternative to our old ways of communicating. What many of us consider communicating, especially during a conflict, can be more readily seen as subtle and frequently not so subtle attempts to fix, change, convince, or in some other way dominate others into accepting our own causes, needs or perspectives.

Learning and practicing more compassionate and mindful processes that do not continue or maintain the wounding or inequities of a particular ‘ism’ is at the core of multi-cultural healing and progress. These techniques and skills are also reflected in our MKP, WW, Community Building, AA, Al Anon, Restorative Justice, and Healthy Relationship ways and circle processes. The healing and spirituality that happens in these circles is a direct result of communicating in more conscious ways that creates the safety and trust needed to bring people together and to help them engage at more empathetic levels needed for deeper, more lasting healing.

This year’s conference also provided all in attendance a chance to witness the culmination of many years of evolution and work by the women of Woman Within to create their own multicultural initiative and reconnect with the MKP Multi-cultural group through a new, even more common ground called the Community House. The significance of this was not only the progress they have made personally and institutionally, but they can now choose to come to the multi-cultural table as full equals in contrast to their previous status as invitees of the men.

Multicultural work, like healthy relationship work, depends on real equality and that means different people coming together to do the work out of their own volition and in their own integrity. This is different from a connection created when one group invites the other, especially if it is the non-target group (the one with the privilege and power) inviting target groups (the one without the same power and privilege) to a meeting.

Imagining and striving to create safe, connected communities is a dream many of us share. One of the reasons I go to sit in circles, go to conferences and attend these gatherings is because I need to live today in more mindful, intentional communities. That’s why I will be back next year too.

Restorative Justice
As part of an effort to bring a Restorative Justice (RJ) philosophy, process, and practice to the Department of Child Services (DCS) for the State of Tennessee, Jean Handley of Turning Point Partners, Cori and I have been doing support circles for the staff and students with at the Wilder Development Center in Somerville, TN. We have also been working with Jean to help Onie Johns bring a RJ process to Caritas, an intentional community with a center, the Village, located in the Binghampton area of Memphis.

For me restoration is not only a justice issue but a relationship one. Healing our relationships is about returning or regaining our wholeness and integrity as individuals, partners and groups. Likewise, restorative justice is about returning individuals and groups to a state of wholeness and completeness.

Our past hurtful experiences with the world and people can diminish us with their less than loving and nurturing experiences causing us to be wounded and hurt and to experience various kinds of loss. This is especially true of behavior that breaks the law and results in some form of harm to people or property.

Rather than further the loss of relationships because of harm, abuse and violence, by separating and vilifying the offender, RJ attempts to ultimately recover the relationships that have been damaged or lost as a result of the harm. In many cases the RJ process offers the offender a way to understand the negative impact of their choices and to actually meet with those individuals directly and indirectly affected, in a way that acknowledges the harm and explores ways to make an amends or restorative action.

These choices include listening to those impacted, apologizing and developing specific make ups that address the consequences of the harm constructively. There are many options for relating to each other in healthy ways that can serve as a process of restoration healing old wounds and nurturing our relationships back into states of wholeness and integrity.

The process for reducing or reversing this damage and harm attempts to restore us to the more whole and healthy beings and communities we were before the harm occurred. This may sound like an oversimplification, perhaps it is. For me, it seems to be what is happening on a very simple basic level. Seeing and understanding that restoration is the recovery and healing of relationships helps me transcend the drama, pain and confusion of many experiences I have had and get right to the heart, literally, of what is going on.

Right now these instances of restoration are the exception rather than the rule. Given time and ‘catching’ young offenders earlier in the process, the hope of RJ is that more and more restoration can occur, earlier in the life cycle of harm and abuse, and that this will reduce the overall amount of problems and ultimately more serious crime. RJ work in some places has dramatically reduced repeat offenses by people released and may prove an even more powerful preventative tool.

There are reasons for the amount of harm, violence, crime and incarceration occurring in the US. The current prison population, 2 million people, is a sure indicator that something is wrong with the system. If it is an indication the system is working as it is supposed to work, then we need a new system.

The real question to us as a society is do we want to rationalize crime and our current expensive programs for dealing with it, or do we really want to know the ‘why’ what is going down and the ‘what’ it is going to take to create real, positive change. With that information we can formulate better, more effective strategies and programs for dealing with this growing challenge. We know what we are doing currently is not working or is working in a way that reinforces the problem with its current trends and inequities. Restorative Justice philosophy and practice offers a new alternative for real change.

Gratefully Seeking Harmony,
Stephan

Intro to White Privilege

2008-07-18T20:39:00.002-05:00

HEAL was a cosponsor of the events around the Intro to White Privilege last month. Here are a few photos from one of the sessions.

Click here for more information on the The White Privilege Conference and click here for founder Eddie Moore, Jr.'s website.

Intro to White Privilege 6/21/08

Updates from June

2008-07-07T11:55:00.006-05:00

Let me begin by acknowledging Sharaze and her diligent, thoughtful work on the monthly newsletter. Her leadership and creativity have been a wonderful act of service to our Community. Her efforts and collaboration on the book and all aspects of our work at HEAL are a source of joy, amazement and essential support for which I am truly grateful and that inspire me to daily.
Thank You, Sharaze!

In order to continue to enhance our offerings, it is my intention to begin to do some reporting and writing on various people, issues and happenings here in Memphis and around the world that may be of some interest and utility to our regular readers and to all who care deeply about creating more loving and nurturing relationships among all the members our One Human Community.

Our hope is to continue to develop HEAL’s core of resources for creating, supporting and nurturing healthy human relationships at the personal, interpersonal, and community levels. My contributions will show up on the newsletter as well as the blog.

June Reflections
Common Ground: June held many gifts as we wrapped up the first round of Common Ground sessions here in Memphis. Over 300 people participated in 25 unique and powerful dialog/action circles about race, its impact on our lives and community, and the possibilities we have for healing the wounds caused by racism by coming together in good ways as people and as a community. Some very interesting action ideas have come out of the CG sessions and will be implemented in the near future. Check out the website to find out more about the Action Groups and their activities.

From my perspective as a human relationship activist the recent CG process has fostered two powerful results. The first is the subtle, transformative healing that happens when people just get together in good ways. The CG Circles have created a safe, open space (common ground) for a wide variety Memphians, who normally are separated by their differences and do not normally connect to meet. This simple act of gathering together into small groups and forming deeper, more open and honest connections and relationships between people of different colors can be an incredibly healing and positive action.

Once we have begun to establish some common ground and to get connected more deeply and empathetically with others, more ‘real’ community forms. This lays a foundation for working together, and a common effort to perform some action is in itself an action that promotes community through positive personal and group progress.

I am extremely grateful to Wendy Thomas, Lisa Willis, and all the folks who stepped up to support and nurture this work for their passion, willingness to take risks, and energy.
The future intention of the organizers is to make it possible for 50,000+ people to engage in the Common Ground process in the next three years. If you are interested in participating, find out how at commongroundmemphis.org.

White Privilege: Eddie Moore, Jr., the creator and founder of the White Privilege Conference, came to town mid-month to meet with supporters, challengers, and those who wanted to know more about the concept of White Privilege and this unique conference.

Many, including myself, have been concerned that the conference name might scare people away. This might be, and the loss of those scared off will be more than offset by those who are yearning for a place and space to meet with others trying to understand privilege and its consequences.

I attended the 9th WPC in Springfield, Mass in early May and was amazed at the turnout. The time has truly come for people, especially white people like me, to face this reality and learn about the many positive options available to us for moving toward constructive change.
The conference was very educational about differences, especially those based on color, the detrimental effects they have had on nonwhite people in the past and present and will certainly have in the future, if white people do not seek and make constructive choices that undo the uniquely American system of unearned privilege of white color and move all of us closer to our various religious, political and American values.

I never felt blamed, shamed, or attacked by others and I found it impossible to witness the carnage of white privilege without confronting some of my own difficult history and the challenges that change presents to me personally. No doubt I will be sharing some these with you as I continue my journey to understand my own privileges, which go far beyond just being white in America.

July looks like a slow month in Memphis for activism. A few of us are heading to St. Louis to participate in a weekend Multicultural Gathering of folks from the Mankind Project, Woman Within, and other individuals and organizations.

Take Care,

Gratefully Seeking,

Stephan

Pardon Our Dust

2008-07-06T13:27:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the HEAL Memphis Blog! Our blog is still under construction. Over the coming days and weeks we will be adding links, posts, and other information. If you have any suggestions for our blog, we'd love to hear them! Simply email info@healfoundation.org or comment on this post.